Saturday, February 5, 2011

The Homeschool Mother's Journal W2: Virtual School~Day ONE For REAL...

The Homeschool ChickWe began our new journey into the K12 life~and boy, it was a little rough.  Now, it's not all bad, as we did hit most of our marks, but it's taking a good deal to pull it all together~One factor was that my daughter was out of pocket most of the day, Monday for Drama Club, and this meant that I wasn't there for my son and that she wasn't available to get her work done while on the road and in the classes~soooo it was a long night! But I am praying that in the long run~we will become old pros at our new routines.

I'm not sitting here on Saturday after we began on that Monday and feeling a ton more enlightened. First I know that this is a rigorous curriculum and much like reading a scanned textbook~more than...let's say 90% reading ONLY: the type is smallish, and I've found no way to enlarge it, and the navigation is a bit awkward too.  Maybe that part is the LEARNING CURVE of jumping in so fast?? and will improve with time? I truly HOPE so! The teachers are very responsive and engaging! They all seems to be wonderful people and very knowledgeable, but I think the most important thing with them is that they do seem to care and continually are engaging the learners~mine included.  The thing about this for me is that I have 10-12 classes (two of their classes have YET to begin) to keep up with~they are in some classes together, so this helps me, but whew~LOADS to keep looking at for sure!  When communicating, I am so new that the in house email system is awkward for me too, but I know in time it will be a breeze, so just because I am an email expert (not) but could easily get around in email doesn't mean I am finding this system overly fast and efficient. One thing would be that I'd love to be able to FORWARD emails between recipients sometimes which there seems to be no feature to do~alas, I am off topic...but just so you know, I have found both good and bad in our program in the curriculum itself AND in some of the tech features...and speaking of technology, I've had to call them about five times this week.  Enter the chick/tech who when she had asked me something like, 4 times to repeat my request AND STILL didn't have it right~and I asked her to transfer me to someone ELSE~BEGAN YELLING...THIS did not make me I said, "I'm sorry, but I am hanging up now!" and did after I tried my best to get her to understand that she just needed to transfer me and NOT argue that I wanted to BE transferred~LOL...IS IT possible she was drunk, high, or on drugs??? Good grief.;-/

I'm having some 'sticker shock' where my son is concerned.  By the end of that very first day, I knew/know that this is probably the BIGGEST challenge of his life short of the very first few moments after birth when he needed to inhale and let out a huge wail! YEAH, I am VERY serious...I have sadly, set him up, albeit so unintentionally, to FAIL...You have to know how much I not only love this boy, but also have push, pulled, tugged and towed him all his academic career~and I know that he has developed at a somewhat typical rate, but has remained behind...BEHIND...and my evaluation is that one really needs ALL the skills you can get to be successful in k12 curriculum.  STRONG reading is a must! STRONG writing is another must! And reasoning just HAS to be in place~we are sooo NOT any of these~not that we haven't Lord, HOW WE HAVE TRIED! And the despair I feel right now edges on hysteria, to be honest.  But he's not concerned, God bless him.  NO he's not. And I guess this is a blessing~and maybe~oh DEAR LORD, JUST maybe HE WILL be okay...but I want you to know dear friends that SisterT is heavily laden with such guilt for I fear that I have set him up ... ...TO FAIL...he simply does not have the needed skills.  WISH TO GOD this was different, but it's not. AND wish that I had done something different~but I didn't.  I have tried. God knows that I have over the years, but the knowledge of all the efforts of the past 10 years has NOT and does not make any change in the fact that my son is not equipped to succeed in this series of courses.  AND I am sick over it.  SICK.

I wish I could throw out some GREAT plan to get things going so that the train wreck I see coming could be avoided...but I don't know.  I have been communicating to his teachers~well, not exactly~NOT YET have I given all that medical/educational background info that this mother had so hoped could be not only changed, but in many ways~IGNORED, because EFFORT IS NOT what we are short on here!  It's frankly some weird freakish twist of the will of God in my son's life that has thus far relegated him to a life of I sound angry with God? I haven't really found myself so angry with Him, but rather more in fear, hurt, and longing...I soo desire for him to have NO idea what we have done or gone through, but all of that~this has no bearing on our need to be successful at this stage in our education.  Soo with all said, I have found it nearly IMPOSSIBLE to write that letter to all of his teachers outlining his learning history and needs/intricacies.  Call it pride, fear, anxiety..perhaps more pride than anything~I didn't want to liable him~My son HAS pride. I have encouraged and loved him all his life~He's a wonderful boy who is not deviant or even has a mean bone ...(WAIT.  15 year old boys are rotten, right?? sainted, HE IS NOT! LOL) but I have a loving, hard working concerned boy who is working soo hard...and his grades right now?? After the first week?? Mostly F.  I am not kidding you, dear friends.  F.

Soo I am writing a letter to CC it to all his teachers/advisor and counselor so that perhaps there is HELP for my child.  But I fear that we are head banging and that a dream and goal of this high school diploma is not possible~I FEAR...I FEAR....and I am praying for forgiveness from God who first I have sooo wronged by NOT being upfront...and then I will talk to my son~heart to heart and apologize. Sincerely BEG him to forgive me for setting him up~even though I DID NOT intend to...but, WHAT WAS I THINKING?? Was I insane and all caught up in the process of getting prepared and getting IN that I failed, soo FAILED to look out for his best interests????? OH MY LORD! I AM undone in my own failure right now and typing through tears is not something SisterT enjoys~THIS FEELS ROTTEN.  I CAN'T AND DON'T KNOW HOW to fix this~God knows IF I could have..I WOULD have.  He knows, never changed it...never.  Sooo this mama, SisterT is going to STAND UP and be strong as best she can with knees shaking and heart racing to push and encourage my son and figure out how we can make it...honestly make it~somehow. But I have such doubts.  In giving the information to the professionals, I am also asking for their help.  HELP! HELP! HELP! There are a couple of things I KNOW to ask for, such as some kind of acronym that means, monitor and document for my child so that help CAN be gotten, and then I have also asked for a writing workshop for him and an auditory reader component to the curriculum so that the reading is lightened...I am in HOPEs that the teachers know more how to help him...

But right now, I'm left with my hurt and fears...I do have some limited HOPE.  HOPE that in time, a miracle will occur and my son will be healed~but for now, I must continue to help and support and love...oh, yes,,,LOVE and accept him for who he is but also encourage the growth that he needs~MAYBE the growth in my OWN LIFE that I need.  Pride always goes BEFORE a fall,and I have sinned. I am deeply pride laden, I fear.  God, please forgive me and help my unbelief~HELP ME to trust you MORE!

So with all of this~I will give you my journal for this week:

In My Life This Week and In Our Homeschool This Week are in the above.  Enter that we had a big ice/snow storm mid week and that my routines were so skewed.  I am still on my health plan, but my emotions have taken a beating! Maybe I can get out again to the YMCA to swim? Maybe...

Places We're Going and People We're Seeing...

My daughter did all the traveling around this week. First she was in their Drama Club on Monday and then on Friday night attended a costume party/square dance~she came home pumped and happy~Praise God! My son didn't want to go but preferred chatting online with a friend from out of state and shoveling/picking and digging at the ice and snow.  I am impressed with his work ethic and tenacity. He will a wonderful young man. Feeling a little blessed right now with both my kids! PTL!

While taking my daughter to Drama Club, I wish I had my camera because I saw a chiropractor office: Dr. Doup~I am NOT kidding...and his parter~Dr. Doup-Snapp...NOW this is priceless! Gotta LOVE it! ;-))

Also I learned some valuable lessons~in the drivethru bank~don't yell out your bank no~PPL ARE listening! LOL....and secondly~I remembered (until I worked at forgetting it) the dumb number...LOL....uh....uh....LOL!

Then I almost got run into a crater hole by a semi...LOL...good thing he saw me or else my truck would be mush about now...LOL...

Okay, it's just been one of THOSE days, BUT...GirlThingOne is going to be a dancing gosling and a baby spider in Charlotte's Web~woot!  I am soo excited!

My Favorite Thing This Week was...
Seeing my daughter flourish in her studies. Oh it's been tough for her, but she is skilled and determined~her grades are doing well and she's hitting the marks!  I loved all the effort they both put into their schoolwork and I know learning occurred in a HUGE WAY...this can make a mama proud! woot!

What's Working/Not Working For Us...
Reading the begining of this post, you know this already where our schooling is concerned.  But I must focus on our positives so I'm going to write a quick gratitude list:
warm home
comfy chair
lap top...
I could go on..what are you grateful for today? This helps me stay focused and see God's hand in my life ;-))

Homeschool questions/thoughts I have...I believe I've already address this one too...

A photo to share...(maybe a few...)

Thanks for stopping by~and offering up a prayer for us as we continue our homeschooling! :-)) How's your week turning out???  If you want to join up or read the other Moms' week head HERE!


Laura O in AK said...

I feel your pain and wonder if my eldest son has been done a disservice by me not insisting on higher standards earlier. I fear he will not be ready for the rigors of high school next year (and am considering holding him back a year.)

Your children and you will be in my prayers as you continue to adjust to the new school set up.

Stacie said...

Sister T,

I am praying for you and your son. God sees and knows, the in's and the out's, the particulars and all the details of your situation. He can help you and He is faitful to do just that. Hang in there. Hold fast to the truth of God's word. Go day by day and heed the prompting of the Holy Spirit. God can and He will hold you up.

Your sis in Christ,

Christi said...

Sister T,
Just wanted to drop a note to say that I will be lifting y'all up in prayer as you and your son struggle through this. I have no wonderful insight to any of this, wish I did, I can feel your pain through the computer.


Blossom said...

I know what you are talking about.... I may not be where you are but I feel it coming. I'm so worried that I have made a mistake these past two years with my ds (and mostly with my dd who I have not put into K12 -yet). Fortunately, we are strong in the reading department but horrid in the math department :(
There are a lot of things...
I will pray for you and yours. God takes care, He does. He will not leave you, nor forsake you.
Hope your week is a little smoother and you can be able to not be so tough on yourself.