Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Winng the Battles and Losing the WAR

Winning in skirmishes with our children as they age may actually position us to a place of losing the war in the end of the engagement.  As a mom, I can't have a win at all costs attitude with my children who are now of the ages that they are thinking and well able to express their positions to me.  I once held this belief of their absolute obedience with the idea that obedience would be crucial in their development of character and goodness.  and while it's important, it's over rated for the child well into adolescence.  An older child needs to have a safe haven, I think to express their ills into without mom coming unglued...and let me tell you, I have wanted to become unglued! I think my children are testing my love and willingness to accept them, love them, guide them without fear of revenge or anger.  I know this may seem like an odd description when children are to be obedient and respectful, but the safety they sometimes NEED to feel when their world is upside down and they need to just be "ill" is more important than that they stuff up their feelings for the behaviors that while wonderful will create more stress and strain...Oh I'm definitely not advocating a raging child and accepting this as good in the home! Not in the least, but if a child needs to express, if I can listen even when it's NOT in a way I would desire, and somehow detatch myself from the pain and anger welling up inside myself, for "how dare he or she treat ME~wonderful mother that I am, in such a manner as. _ _ _ _" to a place of calmness and hearing my child and really KNOWING and SEEING what is going on.

One such "face off" has recently occurred.  I am not sure I passed this "test," but I held my cool and ground...stayed firm and loving and waited until a cooler head on both our parts was present in order to tackle the issues.

Maybe you aren't struggling like this at your house.  Sometimes totalitarianism just breeds more rebellion~what is it a kid "wants" anyway when they act up? Love and attention! Not punishment, guilt and shame for their feelings and actions.

I am praying that God will show me how to lovingly, but firmly "finish nesting" my two hatchlings so they can eventually fly with wings of the eagle and with the spirit represented by the dove!  By using patience, love, understanding, faith, peace, hope, joy, goodness, meakness, temperance, bond, family ties...these are working us towards this goal for my family along with a strong sense of our faith in our Heavenly Father who guides our hearts and minds.

I wanted to share just in case you too are in the trenches with your child~here's to true victory where EVERYBODY wins!
Building Confidence
10 Things Teens Want to Hear

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